


Is it me you're looking for?

by danika (persephone20)



Category: Glee
Genre: Blaintana Friendship, F/M, Future Fic, Hummelberry Friendship, M/M, NYADA
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-11
Updated: 2012-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-01 18:58:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/360151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/persephone20/pseuds/danika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rachel, Kurt and Blaine in New York and NYADA future fic. Jesse appears at all of Rachel's performances, until he doesn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **PART 1.**

He had been at every one of her performances. 

It had started with Nationals that first year they made it through. Rachel had told Jesse she wanted no distractions, but she could hardly hold his presence at those Nationals against him, especially after the way that year had gone way. The way that she had behaved, after clearly leading him on for the last several weeks leading up to that competition.

She didn't seen him again until Sectionals the next year. He'd left no note after Nationals, had just been there long enough to witness the kiss that had ruined New Directions' chances at winning Nationals that year, told her as much, and then disappeared shortly after. Rachel had been too ashamed to ask Mr. Shue afterwards what had happened with Jesse when he'd seen that kiss. She wasn't proud of the way she had acted right then but, six months later and her relationship with Finn still going strong, she wasn't sad that she'd done it. 

Sure enough, though, there Jesse was at Sectionals. Not waving in the audience, not doing anything to get her attention. Because of her relationship with Finn, Rachel could do nothing about Jesse being there, even if she'd wanted to. 

At Regionals, Rachel had tried to look for him in the audience, if only to tell him the news that she was now engaged. To Finn. It felt like, somehow, he should know. She didn't see him in the audience in that performance. Didn't see him until she was talking to Mercedes later on, gesturing with the hand that had the tiny stone symbolising her oncoming nuptials. That was when Jesse caught her eye, and she knew that her ring had caught his.

She didn't think she'd see him again after that. He certainly hadn't tried to talk to her. After everyone else had had such opinions on her engagement, she'd felt sure that her ex-boyfriend might have had something to say. But, by the time Nationals came around, there was no engagement to speak of, no wedding that had followed it, no Finn figuring as an important figure in her life at all, and no part of Rachel that wanted to talk about it with anyone.

She sang the lead song that won them Nationals with Blaine that year. And, thankfully, Blaine made no attempt to kiss her during the number. The unlikelihood of it hadn't stopped Kurt and Mercedes from making smart comments about there being no repeat number between them of _Don't You Want Me Baby_ before the judges. 

And there Jesse was in the audience again. Nationals in her senior year marked the first full year of Jesse's appearing in her stage performances. They won Nationals that year, New Directions did. Rachel screamed and jumped up and grabbed Blaine in a hug that pulled him around full circle before Rachel's momentum ran out. Looking out into the audience, with a grin half the size of her face while she and Artie held up the trophie, Rachel could make Jesse out, clapping along with so many of the other people who had come to support her and the rest of her team. 

Her first year at Nyada, with Kurt at her side--and Blaine at his--was one of the loneliest years of Rachel's life. It was surprising for, on the surface, this was the year that she finally had everything she had ever worked towards. Her years of hard work had actually paid off, and Nyada would seem to be the reward and the pay off that she had searched for since her first dancing lessons.

The first time she featured in a public perfomance put on by Nyada was the first time that she felt like her reward was everything she'd wished it would be. 

Jesse was sitting in the front row. 

Rachel had always been so sure that she wasn't going to be one of those girls who was just going to fold and follow along after a guy who liked her. Okay, okay, so she had forgotten that for a long while there with her relationship with Finn. She had told him at the beginning that she was going to be leaving Ohio at the end of their senior year, and then she had gotten engaged to him, come so close to marrying him, and put all of those dreams of the rest of her life to the side. She was _lucky_ to still be here at Nyada despite those wasted months. 

The last thing Rachel expected after her performance was for Jesse to actually stick around to speak to her. Kurt was holding her hands and trying to tone his excitement down, but it was echoed in every part of the gay boy's expression and posture. For him, Nyada was everything he'd ever dreamed it would be.

"I've gotta go find Blaine!" he exclaimed, and Rachel knew that this was the reason why he was living the dream. He had someone to share it with. She summoned up a show smile for him and, in his jubilation, Kurt didn't notie the difference.

Jesse swept up to her in perfectly tailored clothes, taking up the hands that Kurt had relinquished. He asked her simply, "May I take you out for coffee?" and she simply said, "Yes."

She had to say her goodbyes to Kurt and Blaine before just leaving, of course. Kurt's eyes were worried as he looked over his best friend's shoulders to where Jesse was standing patiently waiting. He didn't know how Jesse had appeared at every one of her performance since the end of junior year, without fail. Rachel had never told any of the other members of New Directions about it and, when Kurt and Rachel had moved on to Nyada, it had not occurred to her to mention it. She would sit him down and explain it all to him tomorrow, or later on tonight, she promised herself. But, right now, she was going to go through with one small coffee in this great, big city.

"I'll be alright," she said, calling Kurt's gaze back to her.

Blaine put a hand over his boyfriend's shoulders. "We know you will," he said to her supportively.

Kurt looked up to Blaine. He tried to nod his agreement, but it was there clearly in his eyes that he was thinking Blaine just hadn't been there the last time Jesse had been a big figure in Rachel's life. Or the way that that had ended. He stepped forward from Blaine, taking Rachel in another big hug. "You take care of yourself," he spoke into her ear, and Rachel hugged him tightly in return.

There was nothing for it but to return to Jesse's side and go out for that coffee to Kurt and Blaine's watchful gazes. He extended the crook of his arm to her, like the proper gentleman he was dressed as, and Rachel found herself pleased by it. Jesse had always known the showy ways to impress her. 

She didn't ask him the obvious question of what he was doing here. Even to her, it seemed too clear a question to ask. When he ordered a soy, caramel latte for her, she just smiled.

"You remember my order," Rachel uttered, surprised.

Jesse just lay his warm, chocolatey eyes back on her as the waitress walked away with their order. "Of course," he answered.

It wasn't a date. There was too much unspoken between them for it to be a date. But they found plenty to talk about without ever delving into their past. For starters, there was the amazing trail through the senior year show choir competitions that Jesse had been there for and never talked to Rachel about. They both judiciously avoided any mention of Finn, or her engagement to him, just as they avoided their own personal history. 

When Jesse reached across the table to take her hand in his, Rachel didn't shy away. "You were amazing tonight, Rachel," he said, and though she knew as much, her heart beat ratcheted up a couple of degrees at the height of sincerity in his words. "How does it feel to be performing on a New York stage?"

Rachel ducked her head, but the praise pleased her, as shown by the smile that stretched easily across her lips. "Hardly that big of a stage yet," she said, but she knew that that wasn't quite true either. Nyada was strict about who got through their enrollment requirements, and it was one meaninful step on the path to a larger stage.

Jesse knew all of that of course, so it didn't need to be stated. "Ah, I miss it," he murmured.

Rachel's eyebrows furrowed. "When was the last time you did it?" 

"What, performed?" Jesse shook his head. "I tried a couple of times after college. Strangely, Vocal Adrenaline doesn't look so impressive on the resume after you're not in high school anymore. They kept asking how I went in college." Jesse and Rachel shared a deprecating look at that. They both knew how his college experience had ended. "So I guess I work my way up the ranks of the amateur theatres, waiting for someone to notice me again, but the show choir consulting keeps me busy."

"It will happen for you," Rachel reminded him. This time it was her who reached out for his hand. Jesse's fingers curled around hers, and he smiled that special smile that had always been the one for her alone.


	2. Chapter 2

"You will tell me all the goss right now, young missy. Blaine has kindly consented to give you this part of our celebration night together, and I simply have to know what's happened." Kurt paused, long enough for Rachel to hear Blaine's voice speaking from the background--"Hi, Rachel"--before Kurt's voice picked up again. "You do know what's happening, don't you?"

It was half an hour after midnight. Jesse had graciously made sure that Rachel was dropped to her front doorstep before making any move towards whichever hotel he was staying in tonight. Rachel had pulled out her phone as soon as she had fixed the two locks on her door from the inside. There were three messages on her phone. The most recent was from Jesse, saying only, _On the off chance that you check your phone before tomorrow, sleep well and I had a lovely night out with you tonight. See you at the next performance. If this catches you first thing in the morning, good morning, sleepy head._

Rachel smiled, holding her phone in her hands and tilting her head to the side happily. This. This was exactly what she'd been missing. See you at the next performance told her exactly what she needed to know. Jesse's life was already full, just like Rachel's was. He wasn't going to become an unneeded drain on time and attention that she didn't have to give. At the same time, it was nice to have this reminder that someone out there cared about her. 

Still with that foolish smile on her features, she pressed the 'reply' button, and sent back, _Checking it before I've gone to sleep. I had a lovely night too. We'll have to do it again next time._ She started writing 'Thank you...' but didn't know how to put the what for part of the statement into the text message, not and keep it within the 160 character limit. So she settled for the shorter message, and then went back to check the other two. 

One was from Kurt, the other from Blaine. Kurt's was, _Rachel, you call me as soon as you get this_ with two exclamation marks on the end. Rachel checked Blaine's message before calling Kurt back. It said only, _Have fun on your date, Rach._

Kurt's phone rang only once before he picked it up and answered it. Rachel didn't even want to know what Blaine had given her permission to interrupt. 

"Tell Blaine it wasn't a date. It was just a cup of coffee," she replied to Kurt, knowing the attempt was futile.

" _Just_ a cup of coffee," Kurt said. "Do you hear yourself? This guy walks out of your life for two years, with only a brief visit in the middle, and now it's 'just coffee'?"

Rachel's shaking her head on her end of the line long before Kurt's finished speaking. She lets other people finish their sentences now. It's one of the ways in which she's grown. "He's been at every single one of my performances, Kurt."

She knows her best friend well enough to know that Kurt's mouth is opening and closing fish-like on his end of the line, knows Blaine well enough too that a confused and concerned expression has just entered Kurt's boyfriend's gaze, even before he speaks up loud enough to be heard through the phone. "Breathe, Kurt."

"At every single one of your performances? Since when?" Kurt splutters. "And why is this the first time I'm hearing about it?"

"It didn't seem like such a big deal," Rachel explained. "He was at Nationals the year before last, which you know. Then he was at Sectionals, Regionals, Nationals again. I just sort of assumed it was done now, though. It's not as though I told him that I got into Nyada."

"Which he's obviously found out on his own, which brings us back to, _just_ a cup of coffee?" Kurt breathes like Blaine's suggested he do, and Rachel can hear those deep, ragged breaths from her end of the phone. "Does anyone else know about this?"

"Nope," Rachel answers, far more airily than she feels. "Just you and Blaine."

"Just me and..." Kurt cuts himself off from another potential rant. "Okay. I can be on board with this. Just what are Mister St. James' intensions towards you this time?"

"I think just to take me out to coffee so far," Rachel answered with a smile. "He dropped me off at my dorm before going back to his hotel. Oh, and he said he'd see me at my next performance."

"He's not going to see you in between?" Kurt asked, sounding incredulous.

"Kurt, when do I have the _time_?" Rachel asked. Kurt was in Nyada with her; he knew her timetable as well as he knew his own. "And besides, are you going to get annoyed that he's around at all _and_ that he's not around enough?"

"Well, _no_ ," Kurt said, clearly resenting having his inconsistencies pointed out. "I just thought... are you okay with that?"

"I'm fine with that. Really, Kurt." And she was. Rachel was surprised by how fine she was. Clearly that was another area in which she'd grown. "Really, it's just nice to know that I have someone out there who cares enough to take time out of his life to come see me every time I have a performance."

Was she kidding? It meant the whole world to her. 

Which was why, on the next time she performed with Nyada, she was so devastated when she didn't see Jesse sitting front and centre in the audience. 

Oh, she told herself, he mustn't have managed to pick up a ticket as early this time. He was obviously in the back, or the middle, somewhere. Rachel couldn't exactly spend all of her time searching out for where Jesse was sitting in the audience. This wasn't high school show choir, this was Nyada, and they'd all been told that there were scouts in the audience tonight. 

Rachel brought her all at the performance that night,which wasn't an insubstantial all to bring. 

Which just made it even more crushing when she came to realise that Jesse wasn't anywhere at all to see it.

"Have you seen Jesse?" she asked Blaine after they all came out into the function room. 

Blaine looked at her blankly for a moment, before worry settled into his expression and he shook his head. 

"He's not here," Rachel told Kurt, her hair fluttering in the loose ringlets she'd put in an hour and a half ago. "He said he'd be here. Where is he?"

"I'm sure that if he said he'd be here, he'll be here somewhere," Kurt said reassuringly though, silently, this was what he'd been worried about all along. It had seemed too good that Jesse was actually here for Rachel. It bucked the trend that Kurt had gotten used to when it had to do with that slimey St. James. 

Rachel tried to find reassurance in Kurt's words but, as the night wore on, and people started leaving to go home, or go out on their own coffee dates, it became clear to Rachel that Jesse really wasn't anywhere here at all. 

"Come on, Rachel," Blaine said, taking her arm gently and meeting Kurt's eyes over her head. "You can come back to our place tonight."

She tried Jesse's phone a number of times in the taxi back to Blaine and Kurt's house. It rang out the first time, and Rachel left a message.

"Hey, Jesse. It's me. Rachel. I know that we didn't have any solid plans but... I had a performance tonight. It was weird to have one without you there. I'm sure everything's fine, or that something just came up. I'd love to know what it is. I'm not mad. Just... just call me?"

Kurt and Blaine then spent the next 45 minutes reassuring Rachel that what she'd left on Jesse's voicemail wasn't really that bad. 

"But why isn't he calling back?" Rachel demanded of them. It was nearing midnight in their dorm room, but Rachel wasn't showing any signs of acknowledging the boys' careful gestures that she might want to lower her voice. "I sounded needy. I sounded too needy, didn't I? I always sound too needy."

"You didn't sound too needy," Blaine said, as he sat down beside her and rested an arm over the back of the couch.

"Yeah," Kurt said, resting on the arm of the couch. "Needy is what you sound like now." When Rachel gazed up at him with horror in her eyes, Kurt realised he may have made a mistake. "Let me reword that..."

"I need to call him again," Rachel decided, pulling out her phone and dialling in Jesse's number again. Blaine attempted to reach to grab the phone out of her hands, but he gave up when he could hear the ringing of the phone in the room that was quiet now that Rachel had gone temporarily silent.

It went to voicemail. Again.

Rachel hung up. "I don't know what else to say," she whispered. She looked at her phone. "Why isn't he replying to me? Why isn't he answering?"

"It's late, Rach." Kurt was worried for her, but he wasn't a saint and he was slowly starting to regret Blaine's offer for her to stay the night with them tonight. "He's probably asleep. Why don't you wait till tomorrow and see if he calls you again then."

It took more convincing than just that but, eventually, Blaine and Kurt managed to get Rachel settled on the couch and ready for sleep. 

"Guys," she called out, just as the boys were at the doorway to their bedroom.

"Yeah, Rach?"

"Thanks." Rachel blinked a couple of times, then set her head down on the pillow and tried furiously to sleep.

She didn't feel like she'd slept at all when the sound of her phone ringing woke her up. Rachel was bleary for only about half a second before she blinked and whispered, "Jesse."

The number on her display read the same name, and it was with a sigh of pleasure and relief that Rachel answered it. 

"It's 3 in the morning. What do you mean by calling this late?" She tried to put on a tone of mock displeasure, but she was so happy to hear from him that she didn't think she pulled it off even remotely.

"This is Jesse St. James' phone. You're the most recent person to have called this number. This is Rachel Berry?"

Rachel's mouth worked. She had no idea what it meant that someone else was calling her back on Jesse's phone, but she knew well enough to know it wasn't going to be anything good.

"Y...yes. This is Rachel. Is..." She had to clear her throat in order to get the rest of the words out. "Is Jesse okay?"

"He's in hospital right now, Ms. Berry. Are you aware of the contact details of his family? His next of kin? He doesn't appear to have anyone like that clearly marked in his phone."

"He's not close to his parents," Rachel answered by reflex. "Is Jesse okay?" she asked again. "What's happened to him?"

"I'm afraid we can't tell you that at this stage. Only family and spouses at this stage. Can you tell us who we can call?"

Hearing the phone call going on in their living room had obviously woken Kurt or Blaine up. Blaine opened the bedroom door, and both of them staggered out.

"I'm..." Rachel closed her eyes. She wasn't sure what possessed her to say what she said next. It just sort of popped out of her mouth, and then she was committed to it. "I'm his spouse. What hospital is he in?"

Blaine and Kurt just looked to each other, and then to Rachel, clearly expressing their surprise. Rachel was just grateful that they expressed it silently. 

The person on the phone gave her the name and address of the hospital Jesse was currently at. Rachel let out a deep breath, thanked the man on the phone, then hung up the call.

"That was about Jesse," she answered to the boys' unspoken questions. "He's in the hospital."

"Oh god," Blaine asked. "Is he okay?"

At the same time, Kurt said, "Did you just say you were his wife?"

Rachel looked down at the floor, at the pile of unnecessary clothes she hadn't wanted to wear to bed. "I have to get over there. I have to get dressed, I have to get a cab, I have to..."

"Hold it, Rach," Blaine said, and Rachel looked up to him in a panic. Blaine just lifted his hands at her in an attempt to deflect. "I'm not saying you shouldn't go. I'm just saying let us call the taxi. Do you want us to come with you?"

"It's 3am in the morning..." Rachel murmured, which was Rachel-speak for, oh god yes please.

Kurt heaved a sigh. "Guess I'll get some pants on then," he said.


	3. Chapter 3

The hospital was sterile, like all hospitals are. Rachel just hadn't cause to notice it quite like this before. Somehow, in the middle of the night, the florescent hospital lights seemed even more stark.

"Hi, I'm Rachel Berry. I'm here to see Jesse St. James. He's my... husband." Rachel only stumbled a little over the lie. Now that the midst of panic wasn't upon her, it didn't come so easily.

The receptionist looked at Rachel sceptically. "And you have different last names?"

"That's right," Rachel answered. "I'm a feminist. I didn't want to give up my last name and he didn't either. And hyphenating Berry-St-James just seemed cruel to the children we will have one day." Rachel held her head up high as she said this. 

Behind her, Blaine looked a little bit impressed. Kurt didn't. He'd seen Rachel in high acting before.

"Very well," said the receptionist. She pulled some papers up onto the desk between them. "Fill these out. He's in room 305."

"Thank you," Rachel said pleasantly, now that their mini interview was done.

She sat down with Blaine and Kurt to quickly fill out the form. 

Her mind really wasn't on it. She hadn't come here to fill out forms. She'd come here to see if Jesse was alright. She stood up to the night time receptionist again, and said, "I'm sorry, could you please tell me, what's happened to Jesse? Is he alright?" She was getting sick of asking this question and, by George, someone was going to answer it or else...

"He's in stable condition." The receptionist obviously saw the resolve growing in Rachel's features and read it correctly. "At the moment he's under close observation. He has some broken bones but no sign of internal bleeding."

"Oh god," Rachel whispered. "What happened to him?"

"Please, miss." The receptionist pointed to the form Rachel had left with Kurt and Blaine. "If you could just fill out the form, you could go see him yourself."

Kurt handed the form up to her. "I've looked over it. There are a couple of things you need to fill in yourself, but I know most of the rest of the details. I'll fill the rest in while you go and see Jesse."

Rachel knew that Kurt wasn't particularly supportive of all things to do with Jesse, so the offer and the kind gaze Kurt was offering her--particularly at this stage of the night when Kurt by rights should have been getting his precious beauty sleep--was so much appreciated.

"Thank you Kurt." She would have kissed him on the cheek if she hadn't thought it would have horrified him. She settled for a winning smile instead. "What parts do I need to fill in?"

Moments later, she was rounding the corner into Jesse's hospital room. He didn't have a room all to himself. That priviledge was obviously reserved for older people with the expensive health insurance. As it was, Rachel worried about how much this would likely cost her friend after he got out. 

The other two people in the room were both closer to the door than Jesse was, and both of them were asleep. Jesse was close to the window and, on first sight, Rachel thought him asleep too. She aimed to go by the chair and just... sit by, until he woke up. 

"Hey Rach." The words were a croak, and all the more startling for Rachel's not expecting it. 

"Jesse." Rachel gasped his name, rushed to his side. His face was bruised, one of his lips cut. Rachel's eyes roved over his body. The broken bones had been set and cast, but Rachel still had no idea of the cause of any of it and that was just as distressing as seeing him all beat up in this hospital bed.

"This was..." Jesse had to take a laboured breath in the middle of the sentence. "Not the way I imagined seeing you again."

Rachel gave a choked off laugh. "No... me neither." Her gaze roved him again. "How long have you been in here?"

"Not long." Jesse coughed suddenly, and the pain of it rushed through his face. The sound was awful. Rachel wanted to just reach out fix it for him. Eventually, he looked her way again. "How was your performance tonight? I'm sorry to have missed it."

"I'm sorry too," Rachel said. "It was... The only thing that would have made it more amazing would have been you there." Her lips trembled. Jesse was just a friend, after all. An ex-boyfriend, sure, but a friend was all he was now. There was no need to get this worked up over seeing him lying here like this. The receptionist had assured her that he would be fine.

"No..." Jesse's arm wavered as it lifted up from the bed. "Don't cry..."

Rachel hadn't even realised she'd been doing that until Jesse told her. "I'm... I'm not. I'm just emoting. It's been a very emotional night."

"I'll bet." Jesse's gaze was fond as he looked upon her. "I know how much emotion you bring when you sing."

More coughing. It wasn't as bad this time, but it still made Rachel grit her teeth and will the coughing to stop so it wouldn't wrench him so. 

"If you want to, you can sleep while I'm here," Rachel offered in a very small voice. "After I was called on your mobile, I just wanted to know that..." Her voice caught. "That you were alright."

Jesse looked at her blearily. "You got a call on my mobile?"

"Not from you," Rachel said, which was obviously something they already both knew. "Maybe one of the doctors here."

"Maybe..." Jesse looked dismally up towards the ceiling above his bed.

Completely forgetting her offer for Jesse to just fall asleep while Rachel was here, she asked him, "...What happened, Jesse?"

It was only the second time she'd asked this question and, this time, she got an answer.

"I was trying out for Tony." Jesse didn't need to specify beyond that. They both knew he was talking about West Side Story. "Just like we talked about last time. I would have been done by your performance last night. It was an amateur production but... I was good. I was _really_ good." Rachel didn't doubt it. Jesse closed his eyes as he remembered. "But I wasn't the only one going for the part of Tony. There were a group of other guys. One of them was going for Tony and the others obviously agreed that he deserved the part. I'd grabbed my stuff and was headed over to you when they stopped me, a couple of blocks from the audition."

This story, told with many fits and starts while Jesse paused to catch his breath or rest a moment, took several minutes to get through. He described the way he'd been beaten up, either so he wouldn't be able to appear at the call backs, or so he'd be too cowed to even think about it. By the end, Rachel was at the point of pulling out her hair.

"How could they get away with this?" Rachel asked, appauled by the terrible injustice of it all. "Didn't anybody see?"

"Sure. But it's New York. You don't step in when someone's getting their ass handed to them."

This beat up has messed up far more than his ability to attend a call back. He'd be useless as a show choir contractor until this is all healed up. And, in the meantime, he'd have all these hospital bills...

"What are you going to do?" Rachel all but whispered.

Jesse shook his head just slightly. "Don't... not right now."

Rachel firmed her lips against one another. It was selfish, thoughtless perhaps, to simply just shoot ahead to what was Jesse going to do next, but she was worried about him. People like them held such high dreams and one stupid thing like this happening had the potential to wipe out a whole lot of hard work. 

But that wasn't going to happen to Jesse. Not if Rachel could help it. She could see now, though, that it wasn't the right time to bring this up with him. So she said instead, "Okay, Jesse. Sleep. Just sleep," and watched his eye lids flutter shut, and the relief sigh through his lips as he didn't have to think about anything more for a while.

*

Rachel was still there in the morning when the doctors did their rounds. Kurt and Blaine had left hours ago, with promises that they would keep their mobile phones on and on them, and if she needed them, she had only to call. 

They didn't keep Jesse for more than a day and, by the end of that day, Jesse was almost crawling out of his skin with restlessness and the desire to be anywhere else.

"I can't keep staying here," he told Rachel, his eyes imploring her to agree with him.

That was when Rachel hesitantly suggested her own dorm room. 

"It's cheaper than the hospital," she told him. "I'm not suggesting this with any kind of hidden motivation. You will have my bed and I will have the couch, and there will be no distracting of any kind from my inevitable stardom, or your getting well again. Then you can get back on like none of this ever happened."

Jesse smiled, even though Rachel's expression was all solemnity as she worked through this scenario. He said, "Thank you, Rachel."

Rachel paused a moment, and then she smiled too. "What are friends for?"


	4. Chapter 4

Living with Jesse was nothing like she'd imagined it. Not that Rachel had ever spent any time imagining it. When they had been dating, it had been far too early in Rachel's life to consider what it would be like to live with one of her partners. Maybe if it had lasted more than six months... 

At the time that relationship--with all of its ups and downs--had seemed to last a long time.

By the time she was back with Finn again, Rachel realised she had no idea what it took to live with a partner. Her dads tried to show her and help her understand, and Rachel _had_ started to understand. It was a much harder thing than she had ever given any credit for to live with another person in your space, especially when you were used to growing up as an only child. 

And that was why she was so shocked when living with Jesse seemed to go so smoothly. It was not a permanent situation, of course, and both of them knew it had nothing to do with them getting back together again. But... it was nice to come home from a day at Nyada and be able to talk to Jesse about it. Sure, she always talked most of it over with Kurt before coming back to her own dorm room, but it was different talking to Jesse.

"It's like... you talk to me first and then go home and talk to Blaine about your day, don't you?" Rachel asked Kurt one day before classes, trying to understand her own feelings on the matter.

"Sure, but Rachel... you're not dating Jesse." Kurt turned and looked at her very closely. "Are you?"

"No!" Rachel shook her head violently. "No!" she said again. "Of course not."

"Well... good then," Kurt said, though Rachel caught him glancing at her from under his eyelashes more than once over the rest of the day. 

The conversation continued over lunch. 

"Because he's living with you now, and that can be confusing. How long is this meant to be going on for?"

"Just until he's well again," Rachel answered primly. "Believe me, neither one of us has any plans to make this permanent."

Kurt didn't say anything overt to that but, as Rachel was biting into her vegie burger, she thought she heard Kurt mutter something that sounded a lot like, "Are you sure about that?"

"A boy and a girl can live together and just be friends, can't they?" Rachel asked of Jesse one night over dinner. He had adopted her vegan eating habits because, as he'd said, it was hardly polite to move in with someone and then expect that person to grab food for him that she couldn't stomach.

"Of course they can," Jesse replied, as though it was a no brainer. "What brought this on?" he added, looking at her curiously.

"Oh, just a scenario in one of our classes today," Rachel said, fiddling with her hair in a way that explicitly stated she wasn't telling the truth. "Okay, fine," she said, when Jesse just raised an eyebrow. "It was something Kurt said."

Jesse cut up a forkful of vegan meat, then waved it around in question.

Rachel sighed. "This is so silly," she disclaimed. "He's just confused about the truth of our living situation."

For a moment, Jesse chewed on his latest mouthful. Rachel broke eye contact with him, figuring that this vein of the conversation was at a close. It was too. Until Jesse added, "And what is the truth of our living situation."

Rachel gazed at him curiously. "You know what it is," she said.

Jesse nodded once. "I just want to make sure I completely understand." He lifted his brows. "From what Kurt has to say, it's a very complex situation."

Rachel wasn't sure that she agreed with that, but she decided to indulge Jesse anyway. "Well, we're friends from high school and you've been hurt lately. You're healing very well, by the way."

Jesse offered a nod of his head and a quick smile in thanks that she had noticed.

"And, I suppose, you'll be wanting to move out again soon. But, in the meantime, I've offered to help out. Here is a cheaper place for you to live while you can't work and while you still have to find money to pay for your hospital bills." There, she thought to herself, very proud for her explanation. It wasn't that complex of a situation after all.

"It is true that we're high school friends," Jesse said idly, playing with his food and putting another bite on the end of his fork. "In a manner of speaking," he added, with a cheeky wink that invited her to grin.

Thankfully, the invitation didn't backfire on him. "As close as people can be when one of them had eggs thrown at their vegan friend," Rachel agreed archly. "I have always prided myself on being a very forgiving person."

"Very forgiving," Jesse murmured, gazing into her face. Rachel gave him an odd look, and he shifted. The moment passed.

The two of them finished with dinner, and Jesse helped Rachel take the plates to the kitchen where she started washing them immediately. Jesse knew well by now her habit of not leaving things that could be done now around to be done later. He stepped up into prime drying position. 

Near the end of their washing up, he piped up with, "You know, of course, that I'm still having to pay rent on my other place?"

Rachel looked completely dismayed at this knowledge. "Why didn't you tell me!" she cried, turning away from the sink.

"You were so vehement. And I wasn't exactly in my best facilities at the time," Jesse reminded her. He stayed very still as he said this, still with dish towel in hand. Rachel stood opposite him, her hands still covered in suds. Jesse wasn't looking any lower than the expression in her eyes. "Would you have let me stay here for this long if you had known?"

"Well... no. You wouldn't have needed to..." As she frowned, Rachel realised she was horribly unversed in the way that rental situations worked. Her dads paid for her to stay here but she'd always assumed that she wouldn't have to pay for any time she wasn't here. If that wasn't true...

"And then we wouldn't have gotten to spend all of this amazing time together." Jesse dropped the dish towel on the bench and reached out for her hand, soap suds and all. "I promised you that I would see you again for your next performance." 

Rachel flashed back to that night after her first Nyada performance, when he had taken her out for coffee. 

"I couldn't make that obligation, so I..."

Rachel pulled her hand out of his sharply. "You decided to lie to me?" She didn't want to see it that way but, with their personal history, it seemed stupidly blind to overlook it. 

Now it was Jesse's turn to frown. "I told you I wasn't in my best facilities."

"But you've been staying here for weeks now. Weeks! And you haven't said a word." Rachel turned away from him. Her heart was pounding. It officially no longer felt smooth to live with Jesse. She felt like a fool. Why had she thought she could trust him? "You just let me believe that you needed a place to stay. And I, like a fool, just believed you. You always do this, Jesse..."

"Rachel, I..."

"No. I don't want to hear it this time." She whirled around to face him, staring at him with hurt shining out of her eyes. "Is this what would have happened if I hadn't gotten back together with Finn? You would have wheedled your way into my life, into my heart, just to hurt me again?"

"Hold on a sec!" Jesse's tone had an edge of desperation to it. "I'm in your heart? Cause Rachel, you have mine already, and I..."

"No!" Rachel cried out again. "No, I don't want to hear it!" She took a deep breath, willing the pain and the feelings of betrayal she felt to just wash away. It wasn't like they were dating. It wasn't like they were anything. He didn't owe her anything. She tried to put some of that into her voice when she spoke next but, to her ears, it just sounded hollow. "I want you to leave."

Jesse looked into her eyes one last time, those wonderfully expressive eyes, now so filled so pain that he had put there. There was nothing he could say, and he visibly bit back all the replies that obviously came to mind. 

Then, without another word, he turned on his heel and left.


	5. Chapter 5

Coming home from Nyada to an empty dorm room felt all the more lonely now that she knew how it felt to have the space filled by someone she cared about. She spent most of the nights in that first week having dinner over at Kurt and Blaine's. They were very understanding about everything, or, as understanding as they could be without Rachel opening her mouth to tell them anything about it.

"Are you sure you don't want to tell us what happened?" Blaine offered sympathetically.

Rachel looked down at her plate and shook her head. Beside her, Kurt's lips thinned in disapproval, disapproval that Rachel was sure was aimed at Jesse, not at her. 

"I'm sorry," was she said on that first night, hardly able to bring herself to look into Kurt's friendly eyes. "You were right about Jesse. You were right about everything."

As she didn't go into specifics, however, the boys had to simply guess at what had gone on between Rachel and her former beau.

As for Jesse, he seemed to have disappeared as completely as he always had after popping up at her performances all through senior year.

Rachel talked to her friends of the former Glee club, both on phone and on Facebook, more in the next few weeks than she had for the rest of the year since they'd all graduated and gone their separate ways. She found out that Quinn was taking her studies at Yale very seriously and was doing very well for it.

"It was a lot to get used to at the beginning," Quinn's dulcet tones said over the phone. " _So_ very different to McKinley. But I'm handling it."

She found that Brittany and Mike's dance scholarship was everything they had hoped it would be, and was keeping them both busy. She also heard, from Brittany, that Santana had changed her mind from the end of senior year and had moved into social work. So she could help other gay teens. 

They asked about Kurt, and about Blaine, but Rachel could tell that now they all had lives as busy as she had made hers out to be all through high school. Privately, she knew she had just as much to keep her busy, but she could barely keep her mind on it. She was depressed. Thoroughly so. Even breaking up with Finn hadn't been like this. Breaking up with Finn all three times had been because of something she had done, directly or otherwise. 

She had never done anything to deserve being broken up with by Jesse. Well, she supposed the _Run, Joey, Run_ number may have had something to do with the first time...

Rachel stopped. She stopped when she realised she was viewing this time away from Jesse as a break up. But that wasn't right. They had never been together. Rachel had been _glad_ about that at the time, and hadn't been afraid to share that with anyone who had asked. Kurt, Blaine and Jesse had all been kept completely apprised of how important her time at Nyada was to her, and how nothing--really, _nothing_ this time-- was going to distract her from the glory that she could accomplish starting within these walls.

But, as the weeks went by, Rachel did pick up her work again. She found, though, that she lacked the stunning passion that made her work so great. She gravitated to sad songs, songs specialising in lyrics on being alone. 

Her next performance marked the second time Jesse had been absent. She'd chosen a Celine Dion cover of _All By Myself_. It was simple, one of her teachers had remarked. Elegantly chosen, and would show off the power of Rachel's voice and her ability to hold onto the notes of the sad, tender song. It didn't hurt that Celine Dion was a crowd pleaser, and one of Rachel's personal favourites.

As she sung to the audience, it was really to Jesse she sung. 

_Livin' alone  
I think of all the friends I've known  
But when I dial the telephone  
Nobody's home.  
All by myself  
Don't want to be, all by myself anymore._

When the performance broke out into the greeting area again, her gaze scanned the attendees, but without her usual fire. She didn't expect him to be there. 

Kurt was perceptive. He offered, without being asked by Rachel--or prompted by Blaine--whether she wanted to go back to his and Blaine's that night, but Rachel declined. 

She made her own way home, making sure that she was safe, locking the two locks on the inside of the door once she got back to her dorm. She didn't even think about it, as she walked through the kitchen and over to her bedroom, when she pulled her phone out and texted a short, three word message,

_I miss you._

She didn't know if Jesse would reply, wasn't sure he hadn't deleted her number in a fit of pique or disgust when she had thrown him out of her home. 

But, within three minutes later, her phone vibrated, signalling a message that had been received. Rachel tried to console herself that it could be Kurt or Blaine checking up on her before she picked up her phone and unlocked it so that she wouldn't get her hopes up. 

It wasn't Kurt or Blaine.

_I miss you too. Wish I was there._

Rachel's breath caught in the back of her throat. Her fingers moved across the number pad to quickly reply, without thinking of the wisdom of the words she sent, without thinking of the reason he hadn't been here tonight.

_I had another performance tonight._

And then she sent another one.

_It didn't feel right without you there._

Only two minutes, this time, before the response vibrated through.

_I was there. You were stunning. As always._

Rachel started. _You *were*? I didn't see you. Where were you?_

_I didn't think you'd appreciate seeing me there. I was in the back. I left before you came out._

Oh. 

Oh!

Rachel wasn't sure how she felt about that. She knew what her body was doing with the news. Her heart rate had picked up. She felt flushed, giddy. As her phone screen went black and reflected her face back at herself, Rachel realised that she was smiling. Foolishly. Again. 

Over Jesse. Again.

Shaking her head, she sent, _Are you still in the city tonight?_

And got back, _Of course._

Rachel bit her lip, deliberating over the wisdom of the next text message she wanted to send. She didn't want this to be some thoughtless thing she did in a fit of loneliness that she regretted the very next morning and then had to toss him out of her life all over again the very next time that he lied to her. 

But then, allowing her to go along with believing he had no place else to sleep so they could spend more time together was hardly like breaking up with her so that he could go back to Vocal Adrenaline and then throwing eggs at her with his friends. And, she'd already forgiven him for that the last time he'd come into her life, hadn't she?

And then she imagined what the next morning would be like if she didn't do this now. What the morning after would be like. And the morning after that. She was getting good marks with Nyada at the moment, but would she be able to maintain that if the heart was taken out of her work?

Rachel sighed. Truthfully, she'd known what she was going to text back from the time that Jesse's text message had vibrated in her hands. _Would you like to go out for celebratory coffee again?_

_Same place as last time?_

She imagined Jesse smiling that smirky, almost bad boy, smile that had so captured her the first time they had been in love, and replied, _Yes._


	6. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **PART 2.**

Rachel arrived to coffee with her purse held tightly in her hands. It was a far step removed from the confident young woman who had strode down the New York streets to meet with an estranged person and didn't care what happened. No, that girl had been the one on the other side of the window. As soon as Rachel stepped into the coffee shop, she hazarded meeting actual!Jesse St. James, not just the version of him in her head that she could merely imagine having conversations with.

He was already sitting down at a table when she entered, but he stood up to greet her, as any self-respecting gentleman of a certain set of standards would do. The corner of his lips curved in that smirk that was only Jesse's, before his smokey greeting followed. "Hello Rachel. You came."

Rachel sat down on her seat heavily, and Jesse pretended not to notice. Her purse she put down just as heavily on the table between them.

"I don't know what you are expecting," she started in a rush. "As I'm sure you are aware, my engagement with Finn was barely broken off six months ago. Just because we are making up doesn't mean I have any more time for boyfriends, or romance, or love, than I had before our argument. I'm not going to prioritise anything over my NYADA education. I can't. So, if you know how important my career is to me, you will stand back and respect that."

It was fear that was doing the majority of the talking but, somewhere behind all that fear, there was a fair amount of rationality holding onto the reins. Rachel kept that in her mind. It made the clinging onto her argument all the more easy.

If Jesse was surprised or disappointed by this declaration, he didn't show it. Barely even raised his eyebrows. Instead, he was both serious and respectful when he said only, "Okay. Whatever you need."

Rachel opened her mouth to speak, but all of the pre-recorded messages she'd set up to whatever objections he'd come up with were rendered unnecessary. She blinked. "Whatever I need?"

Another smile, accompanied, "Of course. I'm not interested in anything cheap and frivolous, Rachel. If I have to wait until you're comfortable, that's what I'm going to do." He leaned forward towards her. "I hope I'm still going to be able to have coffee with you more regularly than just after you perform."

"Well, I do perform regularly," Rachel rejoined, with her standard self-assurance there in place for that moment. She hesitated, before looking at him again. "You really mean it? You're not going to pressure me to make a decision now?"

Jesse reached over the table. Rachel watched him carefully as he took her hands in his, as though expecting some form of a trap. But when he did nothing other than hold her hands, Rachel lifted her gaze back to his. 

"I'm not going to lie, and say I don't want more than what you're offering. But, Rachel, I'm not Finn. I'm not the one who's going to look at your priorities, agree with how important they are, and then try to push around them anyway."

"No," Rachel said, around a funny little gurgle that might have been a giggle, or a cough, or a sob of relief. "You're just the one I have to worry about throwing eggs at me."

Jesse groaned and he leaned back in his seat, though Rachel noticed that he didn't loosen his hold on her hands at all. "Oh, I'm never going to be able to live that down!" he said dramatically.

Rachel said nothing. Jesse took in a deep breath.

"No reason why I should, of course," he stated. 

Rachel's lips quirked. "None at all," she answered.

"So." His fingers tightened around hers, and Rachel felt a flush of heat come over her. "I've started going back to auditions."

Rachel's eyes brightened. "You have? That's so great! What are the plays you've been looking at? There hasn't been any sign of those men from the other audition?"

Though more taciturn than Rachel, Jesse's eyes danced as he answered. "No, no sign. So far, an audition for Rent. Oh, did I tell you about a Shakespeare that someone put to music? Richard III."

Rachel's expression went slack. "No. They didn't," she said.

*

"It was amazing. We sat, and we talked, we talked through all the night, and we went through everything, all my hopes and fears, and he's not going to push me. He says he's going to wait. How great is this? I get to have the perfect guy, but none of the obligations of a relationship while I'm studying at the same time!"

"So it's just energy from that alone that's keeping you awake right now then," Kurt asked, drolly.

Rachel stuck her tongue out at him, and said, "Be happy for me, okay?"

Kurt looked at Rachel as though she was, in a word, insane. Well, maybe a couple of steps back from insane. It wasn't the first time she'd recieved such a look. It was unlikely to be the last.

"Rachel," Kurt said on a sigh. "What you're telling me is that you and Jesse have an agreement just to be friends? Friends, albeit, who have some sort of feelings for each other?" he added, when Rachel opened her mouth to speak.

Grinning widely, Rachel just nodded.

Kurt looked significantly less impressed. "Just how long do you expect for this to work out? You've told me what's in it for you, but what's in it for him? Excuse me for saying it, but Jesse doesn't have the best track record. What's to stop him from finding some other girl while you're concentrating on studying at NYADA?"

Rachel stopped, then glared at Kurt. She didn't like Jesse being questioned when he hadn't done a single thing wrong to her in three years now. It was one thing for her to hold onto the egg incident, but another for anyone else to. And, secondly, she really didn't appreciate the doubt that was being put into her head, undermining her master plan.

Abruptly, she turned away from him. "If you were really my friend, you would be happy for me, rather than jumping to bring up all the ways that everything could go wrong," she told him.

"I thought we were past these high school histrionics..." Kurt murmured, before putting a hand on her shoulder to pull her back around. "Rachel, I am your friend. Which is why I hate seeing you potentially put you into a situation that could bring you a whole lot of pain. And, as much as I hate to say it, could do the same for Jesse. Have you even thought about it?"

"Of course I have!" Rachel said. "I told you, we were talking together all night."

"Alright. Then what did he say?"

"He said that he wasn't going to lie and say he didn't want more," Rachel admitted. "But that he wasn't the kind of person who was going to say how important my dreams were, and then try to undermine them anyway." She didn't mention to Kurt that Jesse had been comparing himself against Finn at the time. Somehow, she didn't think that comparison would endear Jesse to Kurt anymore than he already was.

"So, Jesse has already said that he wanted more, and you just, what, expect him to wait around? For the rest of the year? For _years_?"

"I..." For the first time, Rachel felt worried. NYADA was a high workload that didn't get easier as the years passed. 

Seeing the expression shifting onto Rachel's features, Kurt reached out to pat her gently on the arm. "I'm not telling you to call Jesse and cut him loose again. Lord knows that would only confuse the boy horribly. But I'm saying that maybe you need to talk about it a little bit more. It might actually work out for the best for both of you to talk more. Yeah?"

"I suppose the nature of our relationship could use some clarification..." Rachel admitted slowly, grudgingly.

"Thatta girl," Kurt replied with a grin. Perhaps they were progressing from high school histrionics after all. He looked at his watch. Lunch time was almost over. Thankfully, they could now focus on something else.


	7. Chapter 7

Term progressed through winter and into spring. Although Rachel would never allow such an observation to be said aloud, she was now starting to really feel settled in NYADA, in New York, in this wonderful dream that had come true.

And the part of that that wasn't because of her close friendships with Blaine and Kurt was because of the closeness between Jesse and Rachel.

They had managed to talk and maintain the status quo throughout the winter and early spring term. Kurt's prompting caused Rachel to doubly make sure that Jesse knew not only what he was getting in for, but also that it wasn't unfair to him. He gave her that look he'd often given her young sophomore self whenever she'd been particularly insecure in high school, and she let it drop. 

Weeks moved quickly then, with at least one night a week being old movies nights with Rachel, Kurt and Blaine and two other nights being workshops between Rachel and Jesse. 

"You always bring out the best in me," Jesse was fond of saying.

Rachel didn't believe him at first. "In comparison to all those Vocal Adreniline girls?" she asked, not able to believe that he could have been surrounded by so many women who had obviously adored him and not found a female lead who could match him. Even in New Directions, Rachel had found first Finn, then Blaine. 

In answer, Jesse had twirled her around and taken her through dance moves that her body responded to with the instict bred of years of practice. "Vocal Adreniline made you into a machine," he answered. "An exceedingly talented machine, but a machine nonetheless. You already have talent but you have a..." He dipped her. "Spontanaeity that the others just lacked."

Rachel liked hearing these things about herself, and was happy to have them said. "Go on," she grinned. Her leg stretched up by his ear before he pulled her from the dip.

With Jesse, more than Kurt, Rachel came to decisions about songs and performances for NYADA classes. And, in return, Rachel helped Jesse prepare for any and all upcoming auditions. Jesse's pride had taken a bit of a dent since his dropping out from college, and both of them had learned that New York was in no way anything like Lima.

She didn't deliberately keep the two most important social parts of her life separate. It wasn't until Blaine asked Rachel if she was still seeing Jesse that she realised she was doing it.

"You know she's seeing him," Kurt said, around a mouthful of cheese and rocket. "I told you yesterday."

"Yes," Blaine said to Kurt, though he was eyeing Rachel. "But I haven't heard it from her."

Rachel felt immediately guilty. "Oh, I'm sorry! I just forget... we talk about it around classes, and I..."

"Rachel, relax, it's okay," Blaine said, with his usual comfortable smile. "I was just wondering why you never ask to invite him here."

Both Kurt and Rachel's eyes widened incrementally, and both squarked out, "What?" before glancing at each other, and then back to Blaine.

Blaine raised his eyebrows, but finished chewing the mouthful that he'd taken after making his astonishing announcement. "Well, surely it's not so completely bizarre," he said, eventually. "He likes show tunes, Barbara, Judy and Patti. He must, or you wouldn't trust him so implicitly with so many of your song selections."

Rachel had to admit that much was true. She had to assume Kurt had also passed on those pieces of information.

"And besides, we might get along." At the secondary shocked gazes coming again from Rachel and Kurt, Blaine added, "You were both so sure I wouldn't like Santana."

"Because Santana was a bitch!" Rachel replied.

"I never have understood your friendship with that woman," Kurt muttered, refusing to look at anyone at the same time as rubbing at his temples with his thumb and forefinger.

"Come on, guys," Blaine finished. "We're all friends here. He probably gets lonely and overwhelmed in the big city, just like we do. Kurt, would you really mind him being here all that much?"

And so, Jesse was invited to his first dinner and old movies night over at Kurt and Blaine's. After the initial shock wore off, Rachel found herself feeling quite warm towards the idea. 

"It'll be great. I'll have three of my most favourite people together in the same room for a night!" 

Not surprisingly, Jesse was a little bit put off. "This isn't going to be like running into Finn, is it?"

Rachel put her hands on her hips. "Kurt is Finn's step brother, not Finn himself. He carries his own thoughts and opinions on people."

Jesse squared her with a frank look. "Alright. And what are his own thoughts and opinions of me?"

"Well..." Rachel hedged. "He doesn't really know you yet. Not know you know you." Rachel inched closer to him on the couch, lying her head on his shoulder. "He knows three years ago you. Tomorrow night, he'll get to meet you now you."

Jesse slung an arm around her even as he gazed off into the barrel of some imagination of the next night's scenario. "If you think it'll work out..."

"It will," Rachel said firmly. 

The dinner was less like running into Finn, and more like the double date with Mercedes and Sam before prom. Prone to all the fits and starts of that evening. 

Kurt was on his best behaviour. Rachel could see that. But, in that role, he looked about as comfortable as he had when first trying the stereotypical male roles in NYADA workshops. Rachel was sure that, given enough practice and direction, Kurt could make his reaction to Jesse seem more natural. Problem was, Rachel kind of wanted that reaction now.

Blaine, of course, was the perfect host from the minute that he opened the door to the two of them to the gathering of information at the dinner table to figure out which movie on their list would be best suited to their newest guest's interests. 

They all settled together on the small couch, and Rachel noticed Kurt trying not to notice the easy way that Jesse's arm went around her shoulders so that they took up less space. She'd never made anything of it before. Just, one day, their dance moves naturally evolved into comfortable touching on the couch, their acting sequences as lovers had created an easy intimacy on top of their own personal history. But having Kurt look at them in that way now made her conscious of it. She struggled not to shift so as to either move closer or further away from Jesse.

"Popcorn or chips?" Blaine asked, from the kitchen.

"Popcorn!" Kurt replied, jumping off the couch. "Here, let me help with that."

Rachel's eyelids fluttered down to where her hands were resting in her lap.

"So," came Jesse's voice in an undertone only she would be able to hear. "How do you think it's going so far?"

She looked up at him, to where his eyebrow was raised theatrically, and that was it. Giggles caught hold of her and Jesse looked heartily amused. Even when Kurt came back to the couch with Blaine in tow, it didn't look to him as though he was the butt of their joke. He tried a couple of experimental smiles for a minute, and then the three of them had a small laugh together.


	8. Chapter 8

Spring break happened, which Rachel and Kurt fell to with all the energy of very well worked, very young people.

There was, of course, the performance immediately before the break. Rachel was not surprised, therefore, when she found a yellow rose carefully arranged for her in the backstage area. Picking it up, she smiled fondly and, even before glancing across to where Kurt was standing and meeting his eyes, she had a good idea what kind of expression she was wearing.

"It's just for good luck," she told him.

Kurt raised his eyebrows in every imitation of innocence. "Did I say anything?" he asked. He really couldn't say anything, not considering he had a matching yellow badge pressed into his lapel, a present from Blaine early on that Kurt never missed an opportunity to wear during a performance. 

Jesse was front and center, sitting beside Blaine's glowing face full of pride. 

He smiled at her when she walked on stage and caught her eye, and if Rachel never lacked for confidence, she excelled that night, and then some. She was accompanied by three other members of her NYADA class. The song was Florence and the Machine’s _Never Let Me Go_ , with each singer taking one of the verses while the other three took turns making up the chorus. 

Near the end of the song, for her solo section, Rachel stood forward from the other girls. She took a breath, smiled down at Jesse, and Blaine, and opened her mouth.

She took it slow to start, but the power and momentum of her voice didn’t take long to build up.

“In the arms of the ocean, so sweet and so cold,   
And all this devotion I never knew at all,   
And the crashes are Heaven, for a sinner released,   
And the arms of the ocean...”

She took a deep breath, then sang out proudly, “Deliver me,” singing it over the rest of the chorus, “ _Deliver me._ ”

A whole lot of the class were going out to drinks and celebration this close to the end of their first year. There was a particular kind of energy to it and, if Jesse and Blaine weren't exactly part of the inner circle, they weren't exactly excluded from it either. Lots of people had brought their partners along. 

At Rachel's second drink, she leaned over to Jesse and said, "I probably shouldn't have too many of these, wouldn't want to do anything to damage my voice.

At the end of her third drink, one of the richer boys in the class bought a round for all the NYADA students.

At the end of that drink, Rachel was leaning across to say something to Kurt, and almost overbalanced on top of him. Far from being horribly unimpressed, Kurt himself was on his second drink, and started giggling and pushed her back in the direction of Jesse. 

Halfway through tasting the drink Jesse had in front of him, Rachel murmured, "I think they think you're my boyfriend." She looked around, making an overdramatisation of it. "Either that, or they think you're gay."

Jesse's lips twisted. "That so?" 

Rachel nodded eagerly. "That is so."

"Hm. I'd better do something to save my reputation then." Leaning forward before Rachel had any idea what to expect or any kind of heads up, Jesse pressed his lips against hers in an open mouthed kiss that lasted the space of just a moment. 

Rachel still had her eyes closed and her lips slightly parted as he started pulling away. His eyes lingered on those lips for a long moment, before he looked up into her slowly opening eyes.

"Nope, not gay," she murmured.

"Definitely not gay," Jesse agreed with a twist of his lips.

The night wore on. Of course, it was Jesse and Blaine who were in charge of getting their more inebriated counterparts back to where they needed to be safely.

"Do you guys want to crash at our place?" Blaine offered to Jesse, as the night looked about to draw in to a close. "Taxi'll be cheaper that way."

"Might be an idea," said Jesse. "I'll talk to Rachel about it."

Rachel was sitting up at the bar talking to another lovely NYADA student about one of the many solos that she had done, or should have done, or was thinking of doing, or would inevitably be asked to do at some point in the very near future. 

"Rachel," Jesse said, smiling briefly at the guy she was talking to, before fixing his eyes back on her. "Blaine and Kurt are thinking of heading back to their place. Do you want to go back with them, or head to your own place?"

"Are those my only options?" she asked him, swaying a little bit on her seat.

"They're probably your best ones," Jesse answered steadily.

"Cool." Rachel smiled.

Jesse waited a few moments then, with a slightly more dismissive smile to Rachel's companion, prompted, "You haven't actually made a decision yet."

Taking the hint, Rachel's companion on the bar stool next to her stood up, a trifle unsteadily, but still stood up. "I'm gonna head. Catch you round, Rachel."

Rachel smiled at the boy as he got up and left. Through her state of inebriation, she didn't happen to notice the scowl on Jesse's face.

"I like him," she informed him.

"That's very nice for you," Jesse said, before helping her off the stool and in the general direction where he was fairly sure Blaine and Kurt would be waiting. 

"New York is very good for me," Rachel continued. "It's where I'm meant to be. It's where I was always meant to be."

Jesse's shoulders lifted, but he visibly bit back a sigh. "What about tonight, Rach? Where do you see yourself meaning to be tonight?"

"Tonight?" Rachel started forward, only not over balancing because of Jesse's arm around her. "Oh, I see there being a bed..."

Jesse nodded his head. "Right. Blaine and Kurt's it is. I'll catch a separate taxi."

Rachel frowned, as some part of her saw into what was going on. "You're going?"

"Yeah," Jesse said firmly. "I'm going."

*

Rachel woke up with the mother of all headaches the next day. The first time she'd drank to excess, it took her two years to pick up more than a single wine cooler again. Of course, this time had the added benefit of a distinct lack of throwing up on stage--at least, she was almost sure of that--but the hangover was at least three time's as bad. 

"Kurt..." she whined, because her last memories of the night before were just clear enough to indicate to her that she had ended up on the couch in Blaine and Kurt's living room. As she moved to stretch out her legs, she winced as that pain through shot through her body. She would have been better sleeping on the floor. "Why did you let me drink that much...?" she finished. She hadn't actually kept track of how much the other boy had drunk, didn't know if he'd be sporting the serious hangover that was going to be dogging her for the rest of the day.

As she turned her head, Rachel made out through bleary eyes the shape of a glass cup filled with water. Blaine's doing, Rachel knew. Grabbing for it gratefully, she sculled down as much of it as she could in under five seconds. The back of her mouth still felt dry when she reached the bottom of the glass. It was a very long way between the couch and the kitchen. Rachel thought she'd try working herself up to it. 

Thank god there were no more performances for the next two weeks. No classes, no workshops, nothing in which she'd be expected to try the throat which she had abused so sorely the night before. Or the body that had had to be carted into a taxi by Jesse at the end of the night. 

She had two weeks to recover, to reflect and--

Rachel's lips parted as she remembered Jesse from the end of the night before. Some of her classmates had seen Jesse and assumed he was there as her boyfriend, or if he had come with Kurt and Blaine. She'd noticed more than one of her classmates giving him an interested eye. She didn't know what spurt of jealousy had driven her to lean close to him in telling him that, had invited him to kiss her while they were watching so that they could make their own little deductions that he was obviously her boyfriend.

When he just as obviously wasn't. It wasn't his responsibility to pile her drunken self into a taxi at the end of the night. It wasn't her place to guard him from the attentions of others by leading him on the way she had. What had made her do that?

Scrunching up her nose, she sent him a very pitiful text. _I'm so so sorry!!!_

Damn, she really needed that new glass of water. She honestly didn't know what was worse; standing up to get it, or sitting down and continuing to dwell on the events of the night before.

The vibrating of her phone allowed her to put that decision on the backburner for at least a little longer. _You remember last night, do you?_

Rachel cringed, keying in a quick, _That bad, was I?_

She had to wait a little longer this time for a reply. When it eventually came, Rachel had hobbled her way to the kitchen for water first, and then to the bathroom, before falling back down on the couch. She heaved a sigh of relief when the message she received said only, _Not so bad as all that. Hope the hangover isn’t too bad. X_


End file.
